Raising kids is a lot like running a sniper course: if you screw it up, someone’s gonna pay the price down the line.

I spent years training some of the most elite warriors in the world—SEAL snipers who had to perform at their peak under insane pressure, guys like Marcus Luttrell author of, Lone Survivor, and Jonny Kim, who’s now a Harvard trained doctor and NASA astronaut. The secret? A mental management system designed to keep them from choking from the pressure when it counted. And guess what? The same techniques I drilled into those snipers work just as well on raising strong, confident kids.

How do I know this? Because I used it as a father, and it works.

Parenting isn’t a combat deployment, but it sure as hell feels like one some days. The tantrums, the teenage rebellion, the “I hate you, Dad” moments—it all tests your ability to stay cool under pressure. If the SEALs can overcome fear, self-doubt, and bad habits, so can your kid (and so can you). Here’s how.

1. Praise the Good, Don’t Reinforce the Bad

When I trained SEAL snipers, we focused on positive reinforcement—praising what they did right instead of just hammering them for screwing up. Why? Because the brain locks onto what’s reinforced, not what’s punished.

If you point out mistakes to beginner sniper students, this becomes their reality, and you are essentially programming them (filling their heads) to make mistakes. Rather give them the positive corrective behavior and reinforce that.

Let’s take a shooter who has a bad flinch because they are anticipating the recoil of a powerful sniper rifle. We can say, “Jones, stop flinching on the trigger!” or “Jones, calm down, focus on your breathing and make a smooth trigger pull every time”

What paints a better picture in the student’s mind?

Kids are the same. If you constantly remind them how much they suck at math, guess what? They’ll start to believe they suck at math. If, instead, you highlight their effort, progress, and the times they actually nailed a problem, their confidence skyrockets.

This doesn’t mean you hand out participation trophies like some soft suburban soccer league. It means you reinforce what you want them to focus on. SEAL snipers don’t learn by constantly hearing “you missed.” They learn by hearing, “Good shot—now let’s tweak it and make the next one even better.” See the difference?

2. Kill the Negative Self-Talk Before It Kills You (or Your Kid)

Every SEAL sniper has a moment where they screw up a shot and start the downward spiral: I suck. I don’t belong here. I’m never gonna make it. That’s the exact moment we intervene, because negative self-talk is the fast lane to failure.

Your kid is going to hit those moments too. Maybe it’s after they bomb a test, strike out in baseball, or get rejected by their first crush (tough break, kid). The way you respond shapes their inner dialogue for life.

Teach them to flip the script. Instead of I suck at math, it’s I’m getting better at math every time I practice. Instead of I’ll never make the team, it’s I’m improving, and I’ll try again. Sounds simple, but trust me—this is the difference between a kid who quits and one who fights back.

And by the way, if your own inner dialogue is garbage (I’m a bad parent, I should’ve done X, Y, Z better), it’s time to clean house. If it wouldn’t motivate a SEAL, don’t let it live in your head.

3. Visualization: The Jedi Mind Trick That Actually Works

One of the most powerful tools in the sniper program? Visualization. We had snipers mentally walk through their shooting tests before they ever pulled the trigger. They imagined the rifle in their hands, the wind on their face, and the exact moment they squeezed the trigger. Emergency scenarios were rehearsed over and over. By the time they got on the test range, their mind had already taken the shot a hundred times.

Your kid can use this too. If they’re afraid of public speaking, have them close their eyes and see themselves getting up in front of the audience, feeling a little nervous but nailing it. Do this over and over until their confidence goes up.

The mind doesn’t know the difference between imagination and reality. Train it enough, and it automatically defaults to confidence instead of fear.

4. Block Out the Noise: Most Adults Are Full of Crap

Well-meaning but clueless adults will have opinions. Some teacher, coach, or grandparent will inevitably tell your kid:

• “You’re just not good at math, some people aren’t.”
• “That sport is really competitive, maybe don’t get your hopes up.”
• “You need to be realistic.”

Limiting narratives (especially self-inflicted) need to be put in check.

Sometimes, we are our own worst enemies and need to notice this and course-correct as parents.

If I listened to the many people telling me, “be realistic, most people don’t make it through SEAL training,” I’d still be floating on an aircraft carrier somewhere in the middle of the Pacific.

Teach your kid to filter feedback and teach them to use positive self reinforcement. If advice isn’t helping them get better, it’s just noise. Help them build a mental firewall so they don’t absorb every limiting belief someone tries to shove into their head.

It’s Never Too Late (For Them or You)

Maybe your kid’s still in diapers, or maybe they’re grown and you’re realizing, Shit, I should’ve done this sooner. Doesn’t matter. It’s never too late. These techniques work at any age, whether your kid is five or fifty. And if you didn’t get this kind of mental training growing up, start using it on yourself today.

I trained some of the deadliest snipers in the world, but the most important mission? Raising mentally tough, resilient kids. And if you’re wondering where I’m going with all this, let’s just say it might be the subject of my next book. Stay tuned.